naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
