he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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