2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I can't put those talents on a resume
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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