how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
