I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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