At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
