do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
