seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
