He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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