anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
