oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Two words: blizzard sex
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
