Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
