and you said cock pushups were impossible
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
