so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
