Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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