i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize