So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He felt like a one man threesome
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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