just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
