my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
