he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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