sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
