none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Sorry my hands just texted you
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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