Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
