Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize