She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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