listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
