My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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