I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
