My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
