My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
