did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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