I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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