I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize