But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
