Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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