god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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