Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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