i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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