Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
