I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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