How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
