I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think your dad took our porno
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
