I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize