i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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