Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
