my phone needs a breathalizer
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
