kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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