he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
