Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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