woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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