Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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