I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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