If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
