I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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