Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
