Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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